Because Jamaican Me Crazy

Relax.

It sounds easy, doesn't it?

Just relax.

What if relaxing makes me anxious?

(I'm normal, I swear.)

Later this week I'll be traveling to Jamaica. An all inclusive. This worries me.

I wonder about the accommodations. The weather. How strong the sun will be. What I'll feel like doing. That I won't use my time wisely. Maybe I'll drink too much (or not enough). If I'll sleep well or have enough sunblock. Maybe I'll get addicted to being lazy. Will I find any metal chickens? I might have to drink Jamaica rum. Frick.

I know, tough life, right? We're going with a large group. Everyone is excited for different reasons. The main reason I'm going, and what I'm most excited about, is our friends' wedding. On the beach. If nothing else goes the way I imagine, I know this will be awesome. Why? Because I remember seeing the spark in the first few minutes they met. And while I never imagined they would be getting married 4 years later, I can't say that I haven't been waiting for this day.

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Once You Grow, You Can't Stop

If you’ve ever gone out to eat with me, you know that I’m not an experimental eater. I tell people that I’m not picky; I’m specific. I know what I like and don’t like to be surprised when it comes to food. My sister likes to tease me; I can go to any restaurant and find a chicken or steak dish (a good restaurant is one that has multiple chicken options).

I’m not sure when the change happened. In the last few months I’ve tried everything from ahi tuna to zucchini. What’s crazier is I’ve been cooking at home. I’ve never liked cooking; it pales in comparison to baking.

The funny thing is, once you start branching out in one place, you start branching out in other places. I’m doing something different for my birthday this year. This week we’re hosting our first game night. I have good intentions on trying yoga in the near future. I even decided it was time to give marriage a try. Heck, at this rate, I might even get on a roller coaster.

Two thousand and ten, you're one crazy year.

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Want Me Outta My Head

I’ve been spending a lot of time in my head lately. Earlier this week I was thinking of things I liked starting with the same letter. This led me to find three things I liked for each letter of the alphabet.

Afternoons, Airports, Aprons
Baking, Bed, Breakfast
Chauffeurs, Chicken, Conventions
Disneyworld, Ducks, Dull Days
Easter, Eating Out, Estates Sales
Farscape, Foreigners, Frosting
Game Shows, Google, Grumpy Men
Hockey, Horror Movies, Hot Tea
Indian Food, International Influences, (Teh) Intraweb
Japanese Culture, Journals, Jury Duty
Kilties, Klingons, Knights
Laziness, Lemons, Lotion
Microbrews, Midnight, Multi-Tasking
Naps, Necklaces, Nut-Free
Oatmeal, Overcast, Oxen
Pajamas, Pigeons, Pumpkins
Questions, Quinoa, Quips
Rabbits, Receptionists, Road Trips
Sci-Fi, Scrabble, Showers
Tomorrow, Topperstix, Tourists
Understatements, Umbrellas, Uniforms
Vacations, Volunteering, Voting
X-Rated, Xenophoes, Xmas
Yetis, Yo Gabba Gabba, Yoopers
Zombies, Zoos, Zucchini

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Common Sense Is So Passé

People never cease to amaze me. I know this is an on-going theme. I should expect people to be crazy and stupid but I don’t. I live in a bubble and people shock me.

With it being the season of resolutions, a common one is to lose weight. It’s a constant topic at my office. Recently, Sparkpeople released a book, outlining their diet plan. My friend went to skim the book at B&N. She seemed angry that there were no gimmicks attached to their (quote, unquote) weight loss secrets. “They want me to eat healthy and set personal goals. That’s not original. I'm disappointed. Have you seen it?” Feeling the need to placate her I apologized and told her I hadn't. I didn’t have the heart to tell her what I was thinking ("well, duh"). Even if there were a gimmick that, say, cured male pattern balding, it wouldn’t work for everyone. Everyone is different.

The reason people make self-help books? It’s to make money. The reason people buy them? It’s to have something to blame when they don’t work.

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The Eighty Dollar Nap

Last weekend was Racine’s Brewfest. It’s a fundraiser for the Kilties and my favourite event of the year. If you’ve never gone, you walk around, sample amazing microbeers, and see the Kilties perform. We go every year and drool over the VIP perks (early admission, t-shirts, beer stein, etc). This year we decided to pay extra to be VIP. (It seemed like a good idea when we bought the tickets in May.)

The first hour of Brewfest was perfect. The VIP crowd was manageable, lines were nonexistent, and the beer tasted amazing. After they opened the gates for general admission I decided I needed to slow down. I had another four hours to drink tasty beers. Long story short, after mixing as many samples as I did, slowing down didn’t help. I was done drinking after the first two hours. Not waiting to miss the Kilties perform, I decided to sit and wait for them. As brilliant as this was, it backfired. I slept through the entire performance. In a crowd of 1500 drunks, I took a nap. How cool am I?

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Horror Drama

I have contempt for the Final Destination movies. I saw the first one and it still strikes fear into me. I know it’s a horror movie and it’s supposed to have that effect. Unlike other horror flicks, Final Destination has two major differences for me: 1) Horror movies don’t normally scare me. I love gore and believe every film needs a proper decapitation. 2) The fear should dissipate after the movie ends. Final Destination created new idiosyncrasies for me. On every flight, I check my tray table to make sure the latch isn’t broken. One day, it will break and it will be extremely difficult to stay on the plane.

Good movies should shock you and make you question what you know. I admit that I have a strange sense of humour and a twisted definition of morality. My tastes in movies reflect that. It’s possible Final Destination struck too close to my pre-existing fear of flying. I hear the other two movies don't involve a fatal plane crash. I could watch them, but I doubt it’s worth my time.

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I Need To Know

Our company is located in a... decent area. I don’t recommend walking down the street but it’s fine to drive down. With an emphasis on manufacturing, rather than retail or residential, there’s little reason for foot traffic. Yet this doesn’t seem to stop people. They appear out of nowhere with strange requests. I’ve had people want water, a phone book, or directions on how to get across the street (the building is literally as large as a city block, yet somehow invisible).

I try to accommodate most of the requests. I’ve looked up phone numbers or let some visitors take my entire candy jar. I figure if they’re desperate enough to ask, I don’t mind helping them out. Today a lady pushing a baby stroller came in. I guess she was out for a lovely stroll in the (neighbour)hood. I was more fascinated that she was around 7 months pregnant and desperate for a bathroom. I obliged (what other bathroom was she going to find?) but I’m left wondering; where the heck was she going, on a scenic tour?

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Why So Scary?

It’s a new week with a new interesting visitor. Unlike the man in yellow, this guy was bizarre. He looked and smelled like he had just left a bar fight. His eye twitched (or maybe he was winking) and he had visible bruises. He talked about how he was from Arizona and needed a job. After I explained to him that we would be slow through the summer, he asked to leave his resume. (This is normal.) I didn’t think he had one on his person, but he proved me wrong. He dug through scraps of paper in his wallet and produced a ripped, folded note. It was covered in a grayish powder. I decided to photocopy it for him.

He then proceeded to ask if he could get food from our cafeteria (we have no food and I’m not letting you wander around in our shop). He settled for water from the cooler. Fine. After reading his resume? All the jobs listed are from 2007 (or earlier) and located in Racine. He also listed taking “General Courses” at my high school. His address? It doesn’t exist. Colour me confused.

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My Dog Is Better Than Your Dog

Pet Owners. I find them fascinating. Over the weekend, I guess my boss’ neighbour’s dog was attacked and killed by another neighbour’s pit bull. Chaos ensued. As an outsider (AKA a non pet owner) it’s hard to have the same emotions. Two dogs mauling each other doesn’t seem weird to me. It sounds natural. I would imagine survival of the fittest also applies to dogs. Granted, it’s sad when anything innocent dies, but both dogs had equal opportunity. Others at work had a more...violent take. I overheard and I quote: “If that dog had attacked my dog, I would have killed it. I would have killed it and thrown it in the pond. Or burned it.”

I get that pets are like children for some people. What I don’t get is how this can turn into homicidal rage. Protecting a pet or a child is natural. Wanting to kill and burn something, anything, is disturbing. Maybe I won’t get it until I have a pet or child of my own. Until then, I’m going to hope like crazy that psychosis is not a normal side effect.

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Another One?

There comes a point in time when everyone around you is seemingly having babies. Obviously, the whole event is exciting. The news, details, and pictures are shared. Which brings me to my point. Are most newborns strange looking? It could be me. Maybe my fear comes to the surface. Strange new creature! Dependant on you! Run away! Or maybe, it’s the availability of pictures.

Facebook has allowed far too many pictures to be posted. I'm used to perfectly lit and posed baby pictures. Instead I’m seeing every day pictures full of snarling, drooling, crying babies. The easiest solution is to not look. However my Facebook feed taunts me like a car wreck. I think why not. Then, as I’m clicking through, I’m assaulted with baby spit up and parental nudity (I’m not old enough!). Suddenly I’m scarred for life.

I’m hoping when (and it is when) I have my own, I’m hit over the head with the SQUEES! You know, everything the baby does is delightful and amazing? If so, I hope I keep it unpublished.

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What's In Your Mystery Hole?

I’m easily amused especially by everyday things. Because of this I tend to wander around and take pictures. It could be a spelling mistake, a funny drawing, or my lunch. Need proof? Pictures from the past week include: lady’s shoes at the grocery store, Admirals’ mascot, pancakes, salad, Brobee, hand soap, tree, giant cookie, and metallic wolf. Ever since I got the SO’s discarded iPhone, I have been unstoppable. This unactivated iPhone is well loved. It’s fairly well known that I have a picture ready for everything.

I guess I like the ability to go back and have a visual history, even if the most exciting part of my day was a trip to Home Depot. (Where the featured picture is from, I saved it for this very update.)

My most criticized pictures are of food. Food is a mini work of art. Don’t forget delicious. Why would I not take a picture? I have many pictures that will probably never be shared online. Not because I wouldn't like to, but because I can’t release all my craziness to you.

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Why So Serious?

Just when I start to think that I've heard everything, something new comes along. Today a walk-in surprised me. He comes in and causally chitchats. It turns out he was representing a cleaning service. What made him strange was his approach. He was so sad. Actual conversation:

Him: Who does your cleaning?
Me: We do that in house.
Him: Really? Why would you do that to me? I have no business because of people like you.
Me: ...

When I spoke with him further, he reveled that he didn’t like his job. He then asked for a card to show that he "did his job”. I'm not convinced he'll follow up on anything.

The pity pitch was such a backwards approach. I told him he was the saddest salesman I've ever seen in my 4 years. He countered that he could have been even more pathetic. I hope he was serious about leaving his job. He has no business being a salesman. It would be a win-win for everyone.

I think I might recommend the “I'm a pathetic puppy dog” sales pitch to the president.

It's new anyway.

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Bribery Is Your Friend

When do aging people start becoming rude? Do all aging people become rude? I sure hope not. Lately, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend. Some sales reps or salesmen I’ve known for years are becoming ornery. They’re using our good business relationship to demand crap from me.

I deal with a lot of people. All day. Everyday. When dealing with them my goal is to keep them in the same mood or better. As a receptionist, people are my top priority. Treat them first and with respect. This often works. The real jerks are few and far between.

For the record, I’ve been here long enough to know how I should be treated (and have more confidence to boot). I will admit I play favourites. If I know and like you I will go out of my way to help you. There is no reason to start demanding. Bribery is much smarter. You bring me chocolate? I will find who or what you're looking for. Please think twice before using a patronizing tone. A quick hello and who you’re looking for is a win-win for everyone. Promise.

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This One's For You

Oh sneezing. It brings out the strangest behaviour in people. You have social, health, and religious ramifications associated with it. Plus the fact you can’t sneeze with your eyes open? Annoying.

I sneeze a lot, usually in threes. Allergies are funny like that. I have learned that "cute" sneezes are impossible for me, or that I shouldn’t sneeze directly into my hands (ugh). I can keep my car steady while sneezing and sometimes can will a sneeze away. What I haven’t figured out is how to be ignored.

The thing I hate most about sneezing is the attention it attracts. People comments, stare, and/or move away. I wish they could also ignore. I've brought enough attention to the fact I have to sneeze; you don’t need to acknowledge it.

I know the polite thing is to bless me. I appreciate the thought. There’s always one in the crowd. They don’t have to be anywhere nearby but they have to say it. Have to bring yet more attention to me. I guess there are worse things then being over-blessed.

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Profile Me

1. I’ve never had a blog before and hate the word.
   
2. I became an U.S. citizen on October 30, 2008 after much stressful waiting.
   
3. I love to vote. It doesn’t matter if it’s for an election, survey, or sleazy poll.
   
4. My middle name is Rose and I love it. I also love using middle names to honour your family (leaving your first name to be “unique”).
   
5. I love taking pictures of my food, your food, and stranger’s food. It makes me happy. Deal with it.
   
6. Fashion has always been a mystery to me. I keep my clothing simple to avoid any potential faux pas.
   
7. I have a total of three piercing. All in my ears. I feel balanced with three and don’t plan to get any more. Having four (matching) never appealed to me.
   
8. Having said that I love things even, balanced, and matching. I also love contradictions.
   
9. I believe it’s colder in Wisconsin then in Northern Alberta. That’s my opinion, not a fact.
   
10. I adore twitter and all it’s randomness.
    
11. People who don’t get twitter sadden me.
    
12. I’ve been a receptionist for over 4 years and love it. After my first week, I decided I would be happy working as a receptionist until I retired.
    
13. I hate “life-goals” and “career-planning”. Where’s the fun in that? Save money. Go with the flow. Live life.
    
14. When I took my job they told me it was a “stepping stone” and that I was over qualified. Now I’m not qualified for a raise.
    
15. When I started working as a receptionist, I hated talking on the phone. This hasn’t changed.
    
16. People like to forget I have a college degree. It’s an Associates Degree. I worked hard for it. It counts.
    
17. I have no desire to go back for further education. I rather get me some street education.
    
18. She’ll never know, but her blog inspired me: http://captainhambone.typepad.com/ (see also her about section).
    
19. A twitter follower and blogger motivated me to blog: http://beautifulfunnysadandtrue.com He may find out.
    
20. I believe imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
    
21. I never claim to be original or creative. Just friendly.
    
22. I do most of my writing at work. Reason number 156 why I love my job.
    
23. I despise moving but dream of living in a foreign country one day. You know, other than the current one.
    
24. I dislike people taking my picture without permission.
    
25. I avoid putting any pictures of myself up on the Internet because I’m paranoid.
    
26. I have a real picture of me on my twitter account. (It’s rather dated.)
    
27. As a kid, I swore I would never leave home.
    
28. I purchased a condo with my SO in October 2005 and have never regretted it.
    
29. I like to bake. I don’t bake as often now that I have to wash my own dishes.
    
30. I recently started cooking dinner. I like things that are simple and don’t involve handling raw meat.
    
31. Curry night is my favourite night of the week. Even if it’s not every week.
    
32. It involves chicken, but I buy it frozen and pretend it’s not raw.
    
33. To my sister’s disappointment, I order chicken at practically every meal.
    
34. I think I’m funny, even if no body else does.
    
35. If something I said sounds mean, it wasn’t. It’s likely you misunderstood me.
    
36. The more you harass me to do something, the less likely I am to do it.
    
37. I despise peer pressure. Unless its used as encouragement to finish your beer.
    
38. I’m a classic middle child. Deal with it. It’s likely your fault.
    
39. There are actually four of us kids so I’m not a true middle child.
    
40. I refused to do Facebook’s 25 things about you! It annoyed me and I didn’t want to share with my friends on Facebook.
41. I don’t know why since I love doing stupid surveys like that.
    
42. Sisko is my favourite Star Trek captain. I know this is controversial.
    
43. I truly believe Star Trek has all the best TV couples.
    
44. I enjoy buying fun t-shirts. I adore every single one of them.
    
45. Layering t-shirts is the only fashion tread I’ve liked and adopted.
    
46. My condo is pet-free. This gladdens me.
    
47. Sometimes I wish I had a rabbit. They make the best pets ever.
    
48. My SO’s uncle believes rabbits are afraid of everything and incapable of loving. We’re argued about this more than once.
    
49. I get into some strange arguments. None of which include politics or religion.
    
50. If Zombies ever attacked, I believe they would win in the end. Even if it’s the slow kind.
    
51. Just in case, we have a Zombie defense plan. (I wish I were kidding.)
    
52. Even though the entire process is frightening, I want to have kids. If I have a middle child? This will be my favourite child.
    
53. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever feel like a grown up. Most days I don’t care.
    
54. I want a Scottish accent. More than you’ll ever know.
    
55. I love wearing my hair tied back. I don’t care if you like it better down.
    
56. I’ve had some form of bangs my entire life. I briefly tried growing them out. I did not enjoy this process.
    
57. My hair is naturally a shade of dirty blond. My eyebrows don’t match.
    
58. Coincidentally? They match right now because I dyed my hair “ebony-brown”. I like it even if no one noticed it was different.
    
59. I’m a notoriously bad speller. Sometimes even the spelling check can’t guess what I was trying to write. Please forgive me in advance.
    
60. I went to college for Technical Writing. Loved the program. Hated the field.
61. I got the second highest grade in our proofreading class. Don’t ask me how.
    
62. I sat next to the person who had the highest grade in proofreading. This is a strange coincidence.
63. I was the youngest in my program in college. Most of my classmates had children older than me.
    
64. We still hang out. I love our annual dinner. I call it my night out with the old folks.
    
65. I have a hard time making friends with people the same age as me.
    
66. Most of my friends are the older than me. This doesn’t change the fact that they are awesome.
    
67. I miss our friends from the SO’s college. They are amazing, but live too far away. (This doubly applies to my old high school friends who are further away.)
    
68. My mom and hang out regularly. Whether for a beer or a show, we have a good time. This is how we roll.
    
69. I still giggle at the number 69. It’s not that funny. (See number 53.)
    
70. I watch a lot of TV. It makes me happy.
    
71. Sleep also makes me happy. I’m working on finding a way to get paid for it.
72. I’m not a fan of trying new things. Especially when it comes to food. I’m fine with missing out.
    
73. I spent most of the afternoon working on this. The old me would have felt guilty. The new me doesn’t care.
    
74. I like to play both sides of a debate. The reason is because I don’t believe a debate can even be won.
    
75. This is probably why I suck at debates and sports. I think it’s because I don’t enjoy competition.
    
76. The only sports team I was truly a member of was floor hockey. It rocked.
    
77. They don’t play enough hockey here. Or curling for that matter.
    
78. I was once in a family-curling league. We lost every match. I still enjoyed it.
    
79. I hate public speaking. I avoid it at all costs.
    
80. People used to think I was quiet. Being a receptionist has helped change that. Twitter has probably made it worse.
81. I love talking to my visitors at work. Even the sales people.
    
82. I dubbed last year (2008) as a year of firsts. I tried and did many new things. I know this contradicts number 72, but I never said I enjoyed it.
    
83. I look young for my age. It seems to run in the family. I will appreciate this fact when I’m older.
    
84. I worry people won’t enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.
    
85. With that in mind, I remind myself that only my opinion matters. It makes me feel better.
    
86. I don’t believe in tanning. In fact, I’m very against tanning. Proud to be pasty! Join me!
    
87. I hate wearing sun block, but I do it anyways. I own three different kinds.
    
88. We go on an annual trip to Florida. Because of all the sun block I come back whiter. It happens.
    
89. Time is not my friend. There is no good excuse to be late, yet it’s a bad habit of mine.
    
90. In two years, I haven’t had a work review. When I do, they will mention the fact that I’m always late. I rationalize it because my boss is always late too.
91. I found my dream job. It’s not here, but it involves being a receptionist. I’m keeping it on the back burners.
    
92. I got my current job because of my SO. Everyone here has some kind of connection.
    
93. I’ve dated my SO for almost ten years. Without any breaks. I’m proud of that. < 3
    
94. Don’t ask when we’re getting married. I won’t answer.
    
95. When I’m rich? I will never drive again. Driving bores me.
    
96. My driving record is perfect. I give them no excuse to pull me over. So far this has worked to my advantage.
    
97. Despite the fact I hate traveling, I want to do more. I enjoy being a tourist entirely too much.
    
98. Most people struggle to reach 100. I think twitter has rotted my brain in such a way that random facts or statements are easy. This could be problematic.
    
99. Easter is my favourite holiday: Spring, chocolate, bunnies, and ducks. It has success written all over it.
    
100. I believe in the underdog.