Digital Idiots Or This Is Why I Hate

I think my snark has gone up. I’m not sure if it’s from being in the work market, getting older, or a combination of the two, but I’m more argumentative. It’s possible I’m looking for the balance between being a pushover and a bully. Whatever the case, I think my callers are in trouble.

The last few weeks I’ve been cutting off the idiots mid-sentence, hanging up on the ramblers, and calling out the liars. My boss not only approves of this but it brings him glee. What’s good for the career is good for the soul, right?

Today I got in an argument with a caller over an employee. He asked me if he was back at work. I wanted to know why he thought he was gone. Certainly if you knew him well enough to call him at work, you'd know if he was actually HERE. I don’t think I was asking for much. I explained that I didn’t know all 300 employees personally but would page the shop if he was confident his friend was here.

I looked up the employee later. He hasn’t worked here since last April.

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Vacationing At My Desk

A few years ago I was offered a promotion at work. Well, that’s how they phrased it. I would have been moved off reception and into a cubicle to do various and sundry clerical tasks. What they failed to realise is I love being a receptionist and to move me would have been a punishment. It’s a sweet gig; I have the largest desk in the office, it’s next to the president's, and everyone knows my name. I like to tell people I get paid to talk.

Except for this week. Saturday I went to a friend’s birthday party at a bar. The combination of a sore throat, bar talk, and smoky air, caused me to lose my voice. Completely. You don’t realise how dependent you are on it. I feel like Ariel without the sexy flipper.

Since I’m not on my deathbed, I refuse to take unpaid leave. So I sit here, helplessly watching the phone ring. As much as I miss my callers, this has been relaxing. The office has been fantastic at picking up the slack, but they’re frustrated (I may or may not feel bad about that).

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Maybe It's Just Me

Signs you’ve been a receptionist too long:

1. You make small talk with strangers even when not being paid.
2. You know how long it takes before a telemarketer will hang up after being put on hold.
3. You forget you don’t have real office walls. ("People can see through the glass?")
4. You answer every phone call with “good morning!” even when you’re not at work.
5. You end your sentences with “one moment please” without realizing it.
6. You get protective of lobbies and parking lots.
7. You forget your home phone doesn’t have a hold button or a direct to voicemail button.
8. You’re comfortable with old men flirting with you and come to expect it.
9. You associate numbers with people and vice versa.
10. You recognize telemarketers by their voice. ("Oh Tom, thanks for trying again today.")
11. You make up fictional people to make your job easier.
12. You know how to fake taking a phone message.
13. Your sentences all end with an upswing.
14. You consider salesmen friends.

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You Did A Very Bad Thing

Even though phones are obsolete, I expect you to know how to use them. Here are some examples of things that don’t work (at work).

1. Not paying attention. If the ringing stops, that’s your cue.
2. Yelling. Just because you can't hear, doesn’t mean I can't too.
3. Being rude. I’m sorry your husband cheated on you with your sister, but I'm not to blame.
4. Vague questions. I don’t know Mike who works in the shop. I need a last name or a department.
5. Vague ideas. If you don’t know why or whom you’re calling for, WHY did you?
6. Flirting with the receptionist. It’s creepy.
7. Calling for no reason. If you could have called him at home, you should have.
8. Assuming because you called, they have to answer the phone. They do have free will.
9. Rambling. Be clear, but not specific.
10. Guessing games. No, I don’t know who this is, don’t have caller ID, and don’t want to play this awkward game.

Most of these apply to work, but I’m sure someone, somewhere feels my pain. Right?

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Propa Lang Skilz R Crucial

Like flocks of geese, large groups of people worry me. Ignoring the obvious crowd issues, the bigger problem is when they have too much in common. Every group needs some balance. You’ll end up with a more interesting and functional group.

I exercise at a female only facility. Yeah, there are benefits, but it's strange. I like to talk about twitter (they need to be exposed). Usually this leads to some old fashioned bigotry (regarding twitter, text messages, or online communication). Last time these concerns came up: Poor spelling, social dysfunction, and stupidity. I wondered if I should walk away? Argue (again) that phones and voicemail are an obsolete technology?

I tried to explain why twitter helped communication instead of hurt. I tried comparing text messages to voicemail. Their argument: think of the children. So an 8-year old who things text speak is proper grammar is why you abandon text messaging? A kid victim to cyber stalking is a reason to abandon the Internet? Please.

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No Pizza For You!

It’s funny how when people don’t want to do something, they bring it to me. Today it’s ordering pizza for a supervisor. I’m no more capable of ordering pizza then he is. He doesn’t want to be bothered. I hate ordering food: for myself, for my family, and especially for other people. I don’t get any, yet I have to stress about getting the right amount, from the right place, at the right cost. I might get some of the cold leftovers but so will everybody else.

I never know how much to get. They like thin crust. I never order thin crust. It's for 53 people. I don’t know 53 people. One restaurant recommends that a 16” thin crust serves 3 people. Yikes! To make it worse, I have to order for two shifts. For someone who hates talking on the phone (see #8 from my profile), this is a murder of an order.

A lady retired a few years ago. She used to get stuck doing this, but for her it was simple. She didn’t care, worry, or over think it. I envy her, but not enough that I want to be like her.

And Did It My Way

Tech support calls are challenging. It's a call no one wants to make and a job no one wants to work. Today, it was unavoidable. I send the payroll for the company through ADP’s site. It requires a digital cert. Mine expired and I wasn't notified because they had issues.

The Princess is in charge of payroll and made the initial call. She passed the call to me and they sent an e-mail to follow. No problem. Except I hit an error before I could download the cert. Princess calls again and tells me to stay on the phone until it's resolved. The second tech was worthless. She didn’t listen and seemed annoyed when it didn’t work. I explained it again. She randomly reset my password. She had no clue. I got a case number and hung up. Half an hour with her was enough.

Princess was annoyed with me. Having to call a third time was a major inconvenience. Apparently I was supposed to be aggressive and demand someone else. Or not. I got the problem resolved with the third tech without being rude.

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What Was Your Name Again?

Most days I can’t decide which is better: Caller ID or no Caller ID. At home, it’s amazing. We might pick up every tenth call (if we feel like it). Work is another story. Assuming can get me into trouble. With that in mind, some stuff is Need To Know (like the owner or an important customer).

After 5 years, I still question myself occasionally. Today was one of those days. I received a very friendly call and I'm not positive from who. I should know. I think I knew. Which leaves me with a dilemma: Ask and look like a jerk. Guess and screen the wrong person to my boss. I went with the latter, but I walked down and warned her. Caller ID would have eliminated the need to guess. I can’t be on my A-game everyday. I never found out if I was right.

I like to think that not having it makes me a better receptionist. I have to answer every call the same. It keeps me on my toes. I can’t be nicer when I know it’s the owner calling. At least this is what I tell myself as I slowly lose my mind.

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Rick Deckard VS The Telemarketers

Inside jokes are obnoxious. On rare occasion, they're useful. So begins the story of Rick Deckard. Telemarketers are slimy, sneaky, and persistent. Just like the Queen, they want Rumpelstilskin’s name to gain power. To cope, I came up with a plan. Give them a fake name. Simple right? It only works if it's believable.

My boss asked today who Rick was. I told him he was our god (as far as employees go). He’s anything telemarketers ask for: IT, Marketing, Owner... I have a fake voicemail with no name. It has an extension associated, but no phone. It rings silently before going to voicemail. This amused him (ironically not my other boss).

When I get a call for Rick, I can check the voicemail, see if it's important, and deal with it. It works beautifully. My other boss thought I should say we weren’t interested. Really? Have you tried that? It’s their job to get a name. I’m busy. Either I can be rude, hang up, or debate. Two out of three will cause certain death. The other wastes my time.

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You Will Not Win

We have a few guys in the office. One is nicknamed Drama Llama, for good reason. One Friday afternoon I left my receptionist post to visit (it gets lonely).

This annoyed him. We have no caller ID so each call is new and potentially important. He decided to call the office from his cell. Several times. Hanging up each time. This happens occasionally so I didn’t think much of it. When it kept happening, it was obvious it was intentional. See also freaky.

Finally he burst out laughing and fessed up. He said I was talking too much and I should get back to work. Oh. Clever llama. Prank calls stopped being cool in 6th grade. I wanted to report him for misuse of the company phone. I could have missed an important call while dealing him. Plus it was upsetting.

I didn’t report him but my revenge has been passively sweet. I don’t screen his calls anymore, nor do I page him. He gets any telemarketer, cold call, or salesmen I can justify. Don’t mess with the receptionist; I’ll win in the end.

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American Phone

Before becoming a receptionist I hated phones. I hated everything about them. They’re a clumsy way to communication, also inconvenient. After being a receptionist for 4 years, I would like to tell you this opinion has changed.

It hasn’t.

Phones are obsolete. They may give me job security, but I want them replaced. By replace, I mean by something other than an automated system (the worse thing that happened to phones). I get making phones smaller and with easy to use buttons. I’ll never understand automated phone systems.

Over the years, I’ve come to view phones as an art form. I mastered a consistent rhythm and tone. Put procedures and escape plans in place. Something I still haven’t mastered? Placing phone calls. I may answer phones all day long. Deal with customers, wives, and telemarketers. Calling on behave of a company (or yourself)? It’s much different. One day, I’ll tackle this phone thing. Then move on to leaving voice mails.

With my luck that’ll be the day the phones die.

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