Maybe It's Just Me

Signs you’ve been a receptionist too long:

1. You make small talk with strangers even when not being paid.
2. You know how long it takes before a telemarketer will hang up after being put on hold.
3. You forget you don’t have real office walls. ("People can see through the glass?")
4. You answer every phone call with “good morning!” even when you’re not at work.
5. You end your sentences with “one moment please” without realizing it.
6. You get protective of lobbies and parking lots.
7. You forget your home phone doesn’t have a hold button or a direct to voicemail button.
8. You’re comfortable with old men flirting with you and come to expect it.
9. You associate numbers with people and vice versa.
10. You recognize telemarketers by their voice. ("Oh Tom, thanks for trying again today.")
11. You make up fictional people to make your job easier.
12. You know how to fake taking a phone message.
13. Your sentences all end with an upswing.
14. You consider salesmen friends.

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Rick Deckard VS The Telemarketers

Inside jokes are obnoxious. On rare occasion, they're useful. So begins the story of Rick Deckard. Telemarketers are slimy, sneaky, and persistent. Just like the Queen, they want Rumpelstilskin’s name to gain power. To cope, I came up with a plan. Give them a fake name. Simple right? It only works if it's believable.

My boss asked today who Rick was. I told him he was our god (as far as employees go). He’s anything telemarketers ask for: IT, Marketing, Owner... I have a fake voicemail with no name. It has an extension associated, but no phone. It rings silently before going to voicemail. This amused him (ironically not my other boss).

When I get a call for Rick, I can check the voicemail, see if it's important, and deal with it. It works beautifully. My other boss thought I should say we weren’t interested. Really? Have you tried that? It’s their job to get a name. I’m busy. Either I can be rude, hang up, or debate. Two out of three will cause certain death. The other wastes my time.

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American Phone

Before becoming a receptionist I hated phones. I hated everything about them. They’re a clumsy way to communication, also inconvenient. After being a receptionist for 4 years, I would like to tell you this opinion has changed.

It hasn’t.

Phones are obsolete. They may give me job security, but I want them replaced. By replace, I mean by something other than an automated system (the worse thing that happened to phones). I get making phones smaller and with easy to use buttons. I’ll never understand automated phone systems.

Over the years, I’ve come to view phones as an art form. I mastered a consistent rhythm and tone. Put procedures and escape plans in place. Something I still haven’t mastered? Placing phone calls. I may answer phones all day long. Deal with customers, wives, and telemarketers. Calling on behave of a company (or yourself)? It’s much different. One day, I’ll tackle this phone thing. Then move on to leaving voice mails.

With my luck that’ll be the day the phones die.

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